Random Thoughts Before Sunday Ends

Caffeine, fast food – I wish I knew how to quit you.

I’m starting a weeklong moratorium on fast food and caffeine, aka the only two things that keep me alive. I hope and pray that I survive this detox. Thank God I don’t have friends who smoke, otherwise I’d probably be bumming cigarettes and claiming that I can’t get cancer because I’m only “socially” ingesting fiery nicotine into my supple pink lungs.

Hating on haters

You’re a skeeze. I hate you. It would give me no greater pleasure than to yell "SKEEZE!" to your face, but I doubt you'd care. Which would take away from the pleasure of calling you a skeeze. It's a Catch-22.

And finally, on a strangely toned religious note…

My taste in songs for Mass is subversively Protestant. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that the Catholic Church has things like structure, dignity, and tradition, and knowing that from East to West, perfect offerings are being made using the same words in different languages is great. When I was in Tunis I went to Mass held in Italian and I was able to follow because the ritual was the same.

But come ON, let’s live a little! What happened to the Vatican that brought down the Soviet Union or the Vatican that has a bunch of bishops running around in Dan Brown novels? I know I’m not *supposed* to like “worship” music because it comes from those pesky schismatics, but we’re losing people because they feel alienated by codgery old prudes and their codgery young children who cast disapproving looks over EVERYTHING. One way we can reach out is with good music. We are NOT fundamentalist Bible-thumpers who forbid singing because it might lead to dancing and God forbid talking. The Catholic Church is the foundation of Western music. If there's anything we know, it's that music can bring people into an experience on a whole other level. So why are we so lame when it comes to reaching out?

Churches used to be places where people came together to celebrate. When did we go from rejoicing in being alive to “Thou shalt not dance in the House of God. Thou shalt not have guitars or percussive instruments, nor shall thine musicians induce excitement about what is going on in front of everyone”? Sure, there should be restraint. I've seen horrible circus clowns who make themselves the center of attention at services with antics and overstated sound systems. Verily, they will get their reward. But Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says there’s a time for everything, right? “A time to mourn and a time to dance”? So why are we always so dour?

Whatever. I’m not a cardinal and I’m going to Hell anyways, it’s not like my opinion matters. Black Baptists and Zoroastrians, you’re on notice. I need music and/or fire in my worship services.