WHY ARE YOU SO CRAZY? It's always the same thing with you guys. Yes, you are all unique individuals with complex thoughts and feelings and you should be respected. But you are crazy and frustrating. This has been especially true as of late, where female interest in me has spiked and yet still left most of the people interested in me off-limits.
Case in point: friend of mine says she ran into someone who knew me."Oh Kirk? I know him! He hit on me and my friend like a year ago! He's cute. Does he have a girlfriend?" Uh, no. I'm also 500 miles away. WHY DID YOU SAY NOTHING WHEN I HIT ON YOU A YEAR AGO?!? If you did I probably would remember who you are. Ladies, it's called "flirt back." I'm not a friggin' mind reader. I don't have a pheremone detector. I never thought *I'd* be saying this to women, but COMMUNICATE.
I need to rant, so here is a short list of the annoying/crazy girls and all the annoying/crazy things they do that I've had to deal with in my life:
* Girls who admire from afar but never say anything
* Girls with glaring personality flaws who want to know why *specifically* you don't like them. That's like asking what *specifically* killed someone in a head-on collision with a semi
* Girls who are space cadets
* Girls who misinterpret innocent gestures as confessions of a deep, unspoken love
* Girls who are off-limits for social, cultural, religious, moral, or ethical reasons (hot though that may be)
* GIRLS WHO ARE HUNG UP ON THEIR EXES. Ugh.
* Girls who suddenly become interested in you when you're 500 miles away
* Girls who finally come around after you've already given up on them
* Girls who may or may not have tried to unsuccessfully poison a romantic rival with a muffin full of ammonia (true story)
* Girls who admit to quasi-stalking you for years without your knowledge
* Girls who are *not* hot and still have the audacity to suggest you make out with your best guy friend WHILE SOBER because that'd be hot for her
* Girls with crazy eyes
* Vegetarians (although to be fair, I've met some very sweet vegetarians, and it's not really a *girl* thing as it is the fact that I just don't like tofu)
God. I know all we have to do is tell you that you're pretty and you smell nice, but c'mon. I'd pull a reverse Mount Holyoke and lez out on guys with all my disillusionment, but that's like saying I'm moving from Phoenix to Libya because I don't like heat. I don't want crazy. I don't want drama. I want nice and stable.
This is all I'm asking: please be a little more sane. If you're interested, don't B.S. me. And speak up. I'm a guy. I'm dumb and emotionally stunted
But I'm a sweet teddy bear with hands from God. And I'm willing to overlook your craziness if you're willing to overlook mine. Think about it, ladies. Kthxbai.
Your pal, El Guero
Dear El Guero,
ReplyDeleteIt is a daily battle, AS YOU WELL KNOW, to control The Crazy. Some of us genuinely try to not be so "OMG BUCKETS OF CRAZY, WOMAN" and more like a normal human being. ALSO. If men could not be shallow assholes, that would probably help us not be crazy bitches. Life really is a two-way street, my friend.
And remember, at least people are interested in you.