Stopping for Wi-Fi on a Snowy Morning

First order of business: Kristoph's Coffeehouse CLOSED! In August, according to my cousin! And my friends and I who "loved" it barely noticed! We all tried to remember when the last time we went was and we really couldn't. That's probably why it closed.

For what it's worth, I kind of hated that place in high school. In fact, I kind of hate pretentious-ass coffeeshops and what they represent in general, but now that I've gotten hooked on caffeine, I have to repress that anger, buy a $4 effeminate-sounding coffee, lie back, and think of England. (My caffeine abstention failed quickly, in case you were wondering a couple weeks ago.)

So why am I looking for Wi-Fi? Because I'm still writing that article, still waiting for people to call me back, and I can't get anything accomplished at the house. It's a Hell that sucks from me all motivation. So I've gone looking around for free Wi-Fi on the East Side. Here's what I found.

Kristoph's -- Closed. Obviously no Wi-Fi there.

El Paso Library Irving Schwarz Branch -- You FAIL me, socialism! I show up at 10:15 a.m. on a Tuesday morning looking to take refuge in your hallowed walls, and I find out you don't start working until noon. Like some pothead. It'll be another two years before I visit YOU again. Pfft.

Burger King on Lee Trevino -- You had so much potential. You really did. I walked in at 10:23ish and your cashier looked at me like I was silly when I asked if it was too early for chicken fries. You had free Wi-Fi! You were clean! No one was there! You even had the TV tuned to CNN! I would have NEVER thought that I would feel like yelling out "Nasir's point about Pakistani ISI involvment in Afghanistan is SPOT ON!" in a Burger King. It was like heaven on earth. But you didn't have power outlets. And my battery was low. A Romeo and Juliet love tragedy with grease. I'll miss you.

Starbucks on Lee Trevino -- Screw that. They've raped me of enough of my money already. And their Wi-Fi costs $4. In Tunis I could get Wi-Fi Internet access with purchase of a bottle of Coke (Kookah-Koola) and I could get coffee that fucked me up good for like a dime. And that's AFRICA. Kiss my hipster ass.

Village Inn on Trawood -- Why are there five million people at VILLAGE INN on a snowy Tuesday morning? What the hell is this, a Norman Rockwell painting? Forget that.

Carl's Jr on Lee Trevino across the street from Hanks High School -- Let me just say: I HATE CARL'S JR.! I'd rather gnaw on poison than shove one of those abominations they call "burgers" down my gullet. But they have free Wi-Fi. They also have a flat-screen TV tuned to CNN, but the volume's turned down. I can't hear news over the sound of Lady GaGa taking a ride on my disco-stick. Still, this is where I've settled, STILL waiting for NMSU to call me back. I hate journalism. I'll probably be camped out here, nursing Diet Coke refills and listening to Enrique Iglesias' "Escape" on a loop until I get kicked out. "You can ruuun, you can hiiide, but you can't escape my loooove..."

Fun fact from the graffiti in the bathroom, though: "BOBBY LIKES COCK!!! ALOT! (sic)" and "Frankie eat's dick (sic)" Good to see the kids at Hanks are getting a good education. And remind me to stay away from Frankie, whoever he (she?) is.

EDIT 12:02 P.M. Oh crap. Today's the first day of December. And I forgot what my New Year's Resolution for 2009 was.