On the Existence of God

"Trying to determine whether God exists from what you learn in college is like trying to perform brain surgery with a sharpened rock. Call me when you get to grad school."

Me, to a friend who says that college has made her start turning into an atheist

I Wonder How An Arab Jay Leno Would Read These Headlines

So in an attempt to learn Arabic better, I became a fan of CNN Arabic on Facebook. Now, I get the occasional Arabic headline pop up in my news feed. At the beginning I found myself cheating plugging phrases in to Google Translate to understand what they meant. But with the passage of time, even given my limited Arabic, I've learned crucial words and phrases necessary to understand Middle Eastern media.

The following are actual headlines I've read on CNN Arabic's newsfeed within the past three days, without the assistance of dictionaries or other translation aids. I thought I'd share:

Anwar al-Awlaki ... for jihad against "the Great American Satan"

Clashes between Palestinian youth and Israeli forces ... West Bank and ... north of Jerusalem

Israel ... on Arabs "..." in memory of Al-Nakbah ("the Catastrophe" -- what Arabs call the day Israel was establish in 1948)

Killing of Thai workers by a Qassam rocket in South Israel (while this news was sad, it excited me, because I was able to guess the word for "rocket" by context clues!)

Tiger Woods returns to playing following the scandal of ... (this one was hard at first because I couldn't figure out who the hell "Taaygur Woudz" was)

Clinton in Moscow for ... "Start 2" and the Middle East

How would you know that you were someone who is addicted to sex? (best headline ever)

... "Hello Kitty" ... Melia Obama

Names of famous people are hard, because they're spelled out phonetically, so Hillary Clinton becomes "Heelaaree Kleentoon." Also, Arabic doesn't have some of the letters that English does, so General David Petraeus becomes "El Jinraal Dayfeed Batrayoos." More hilariously, Oprah becomes "Oobra." Yes. They love Oobra in the Middle East.

The commenters are also fun. I get excited when I start understanding phrases like "Obama is in the hands of the Zionists." It makes me hope that one day I will be good enough to plug these phrases into Google Translate for the federal government. Inchallah.

Wa aydhan ana sa3eed li an 3alamtu an a7id min asdi9a2i laysa fi kyrgyzstan alaan. Al7amdullah.

Thought Vomit

"Okay. Shut up. Conversation over. Stuff as many of these into your coat pockets as you can." -- Me to my brother, in the middle of a deep philosophical conversation, re: bottles of Jack

Found out that I'm either 1/16 Apache or 1/16 Huichol Indian from Mexico. Either way, I now understand why I have patchy facial hair.

I *hate* rock music. And metal. And whatever else my brother listens to. And I do NOT want to go to shows.

I'm 94 percent sure this girl in North Africa is in love with me. She's spazzing out over Facebook because she's having problems with her ex. As a result, Im only 78 percent sure the videos she posts with the caption "to my baby!!!" are for me. I'm scared.

So I thought I had a deadly disease. And my doctors thought I had a deadly disease. And it turns out I did have a deadly disease. But my immune system fought it off. So yay!

I broke my glasses. Sad panda. Sad, blind panda.

The SECRET to Happiness: a MESSAGE from El Guero

I finished a two-week stint as a temp for a law office. Before I left I wrote this note, intending to post it on my blog, describing my feelings toward the job. I've decided to publish it below:

I AM finally BEING a productive member of society, HELD to a higher standard than I was before. AGAINST all odds and in spite of MY doubts I WILL be receiving a paycheck soon.

I know what you're thinking. "Hey, IF YOU ARE getting paid soon, how will you spend your money?" Frankly, after READING over my bank statements, I haven't really given THIS much thought. I suppose I'll do as I PLEASE. Maybe I'll even SEND myself to Barbados for summer! It's a long drive to the office. I have to pass a LIQUOR store AND LOTS OF churches. IT never ceases to amaze me how religious this city is!

Rest assured, I love this job. WHY? Well, GOD only knows WHY. I'm still in shock that I'm employed! I ask myself, DID I really grow up and DECIDE TO take on adult responsibilities when I said I would DO THIS? Sure, it's a little stressful, but I WANT to challenge myself and decided TO take a STAB at something new. Temping can be rough, but as I MYSELF always say REPEATEDLY, a bird IN THE HAND is worth two in the bush! I JUST have TO REMIND MYSELF to be positive, and THAT PART OF ME knows this IS character-building. STILL, although this is all part of the collective HUMAN experience, I can't wait to be free again!

TELL you what, the people in this place are starting to become like MY FAMILY. But I have to get back on task! Although I LOVE the granola bars that I'm eating right now, I probably shouldn't be eating THEM at my desk! Lulz.

* * *

Also, I went to Miami on the University of Miami's dime. It was awesome. Remind me to tell you about it some time.