Had lunch with my scientist uncle again today -- the one of algae oil repute.
Somehow we got on the topic of smoking. I have a checkered past involving smoking. It's what happens when you spend a lot of time around Arabs, Mexicans, journalists, and "arteests".
Anyways, after the typical "cigarettes are death!!!" moralistic condemnation from all sides, Uncle starts talking about how in college, his calculus teacher used to smoke cigars in class. Big, fat, probably Cuban cigars. With the illicit glee of a 12-year-old boy telling his friends about how he saw boobies for the first time, Uncle takes a quick glance around Applebee's and quietly intones that one time, he smoked. He says this with pride, like he's a true rebel.
His nerd friends and him decided one day to grab a bunch of cigars and try to smoke them. Uncle says he was afraid to inhale but finally worked up the nerve to do so. He ended up coughing, and then he puked. He says this with a glint in his eyes, reliving the cheap thrill of youthful vomiting. I smile and nod my head, silently validating his need to be seen as dangerous. Deep down inside, though, there's only one thing running through my head:
Pussy.
Showing posts with label addiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label addiction. Show all posts
Monday, February 15, 2010
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Stopping for Wi-Fi on a Snowy Morning
First order of business: Kristoph's Coffeehouse CLOSED! In August, according to my cousin! And my friends and I who "loved" it barely noticed! We all tried to remember when the last time we went was and we really couldn't. That's probably why it closed.
For what it's worth, I kind of hated that place in high school. In fact, I kind of hate pretentious-ass coffeeshops and what they represent in general, but now that I've gotten hooked on caffeine, I have to repress that anger, buy a $4 effeminate-sounding coffee, lie back, and think of England. (My caffeine abstention failed quickly, in case you were wondering a couple weeks ago.)
So why am I looking for Wi-Fi? Because I'm still writing that article, still waiting for people to call me back, and I can't get anything accomplished at the house. It's a Hell that sucks from me all motivation. So I've gone looking around for free Wi-Fi on the East Side. Here's what I found.
Kristoph's -- Closed. Obviously no Wi-Fi there.
El Paso Library Irving Schwarz Branch -- You FAIL me, socialism! I show up at 10:15 a.m. on a Tuesday morning looking to take refuge in your hallowed walls, and I find out you don't start working until noon. Like some pothead. It'll be another two years before I visit YOU again. Pfft.
Burger King on Lee Trevino -- You had so much potential. You really did. I walked in at 10:23ish and your cashier looked at me like I was silly when I asked if it was too early for chicken fries. You had free Wi-Fi! You were clean! No one was there! You even had the TV tuned to CNN! I would have NEVER thought that I would feel like yelling out "Nasir's point about Pakistani ISI involvment in Afghanistan is SPOT ON!" in a Burger King. It was like heaven on earth. But you didn't have power outlets. And my battery was low. A Romeo and Juliet love tragedy with grease. I'll miss you.
Starbucks on Lee Trevino -- Screw that. They've raped me of enough of my money already. And their Wi-Fi costs $4. In Tunis I could get Wi-Fi Internet access with purchase of a bottle of Coke (Kookah-Koola) and I could get coffee that fucked me up good for like a dime. And that's AFRICA. Kiss my hipster ass.
Village Inn on Trawood -- Why are there five million people at VILLAGE INN on a snowy Tuesday morning? What the hell is this, a Norman Rockwell painting? Forget that.
Carl's Jr on Lee Trevino across the street from Hanks High School -- Let me just say: I HATE CARL'S JR.! I'd rather gnaw on poison than shove one of those abominations they call "burgers" down my gullet. But they have free Wi-Fi. They also have a flat-screen TV tuned to CNN, but the volume's turned down. I can't hear news over the sound of Lady GaGa taking a ride on my disco-stick. Still, this is where I've settled, STILL waiting for NMSU to call me back. I hate journalism. I'll probably be camped out here, nursing Diet Coke refills and listening to Enrique Iglesias' "Escape" on a loop until I get kicked out. "You can ruuun, you can hiiide, but you can't escape my loooove..."
Fun fact from the graffiti in the bathroom, though: "BOBBY LIKES COCK!!! ALOT! (sic)" and "Frankie eat's dick (sic)" Good to see the kids at Hanks are getting a good education. And remind me to stay away from Frankie, whoever he (she?) is.
EDIT 12:02 P.M. Oh crap. Today's the first day of December. And I forgot what my New Year's Resolution for 2009 was.
For what it's worth, I kind of hated that place in high school. In fact, I kind of hate pretentious-ass coffeeshops and what they represent in general, but now that I've gotten hooked on caffeine, I have to repress that anger, buy a $4 effeminate-sounding coffee, lie back, and think of England. (My caffeine abstention failed quickly, in case you were wondering a couple weeks ago.)
So why am I looking for Wi-Fi? Because I'm still writing that article, still waiting for people to call me back, and I can't get anything accomplished at the house. It's a Hell that sucks from me all motivation. So I've gone looking around for free Wi-Fi on the East Side. Here's what I found.
Kristoph's -- Closed. Obviously no Wi-Fi there.
El Paso Library Irving Schwarz Branch -- You FAIL me, socialism! I show up at 10:15 a.m. on a Tuesday morning looking to take refuge in your hallowed walls, and I find out you don't start working until noon. Like some pothead. It'll be another two years before I visit YOU again. Pfft.
Burger King on Lee Trevino -- You had so much potential. You really did. I walked in at 10:23ish and your cashier looked at me like I was silly when I asked if it was too early for chicken fries. You had free Wi-Fi! You were clean! No one was there! You even had the TV tuned to CNN! I would have NEVER thought that I would feel like yelling out "Nasir's point about Pakistani ISI involvment in Afghanistan is SPOT ON!" in a Burger King. It was like heaven on earth. But you didn't have power outlets. And my battery was low. A Romeo and Juliet love tragedy with grease. I'll miss you.
Starbucks on Lee Trevino -- Screw that. They've raped me of enough of my money already. And their Wi-Fi costs $4. In Tunis I could get Wi-Fi Internet access with purchase of a bottle of Coke (Kookah-Koola) and I could get coffee that fucked me up good for like a dime. And that's AFRICA. Kiss my hipster ass.
Village Inn on Trawood -- Why are there five million people at VILLAGE INN on a snowy Tuesday morning? What the hell is this, a Norman Rockwell painting? Forget that.
Carl's Jr on Lee Trevino across the street from Hanks High School -- Let me just say: I HATE CARL'S JR.! I'd rather gnaw on poison than shove one of those abominations they call "burgers" down my gullet. But they have free Wi-Fi. They also have a flat-screen TV tuned to CNN, but the volume's turned down. I can't hear news over the sound of Lady GaGa taking a ride on my disco-stick. Still, this is where I've settled, STILL waiting for NMSU to call me back. I hate journalism. I'll probably be camped out here, nursing Diet Coke refills and listening to Enrique Iglesias' "Escape" on a loop until I get kicked out. "You can ruuun, you can hiiide, but you can't escape my loooove..."
Fun fact from the graffiti in the bathroom, though: "BOBBY LIKES COCK!!! ALOT! (sic)" and "Frankie eat's dick (sic)" Good to see the kids at Hanks are getting a good education. And remind me to stay away from Frankie, whoever he (she?) is.
EDIT 12:02 P.M. Oh crap. Today's the first day of December. And I forgot what my New Year's Resolution for 2009 was.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Frustrating Conversations
At the Lee Trevino Starbucks, over manly mocha frappachinos...
Me: Jason, what's up? You have this 40-yard stare like a Vietnam vet.
Jason: Something...happened in one of my art labs the other day...
Me: (concerned) What's going on? Is everything alright?
Jason: I bumped into a girl. And there was a spark. And I think she felt it, too.
Me: Like an actual spark? Or are you using figurative language?
Jason: Figurative language.
Me: Ahhh. Well, did you talk to her?
Jason: I said "sorry."
Me:...
Jason: But she kept looking at me! And every time I went to go wash my bowl, she went to wash her bowl, too! She would deliberately wait to do it. And then she'd smile at me.
Me: Sounds like she wanted you. Did you get her number?
Jason: Dude, I don't even know her name. It's the first time I've ever seen her and it's probably the last time. There were people there who knew her, but I don't talk to them.
Me: So go talk to those people and find out what her name was. Look her up on Facebook, send her a message, be all "I'm Jason and I'm arty and charming, we should get coffee." And then get coffee.
Jason: Isn't that stalkerish?
Me: Maybe. But I'm probably the wrong person to ask about what constitutes "stalkerish." I used to be a journalist.
Jason: Eh. I'm not desperate for a girlfriend.
Me: It's just coffee! It's not like you guys have to get married. If she's a total psychopath then you can always just never see her again. But if she's cool, then you guys could keep seeing each other. She could be "the One" for all you know.
Jason: She could also not be the One.
Me: True. You'd never know. But even if she's not "the One" and you decide you don't want her to bear five children by you from the first sip of coffee, she could introduce you to someone who could be the One. Or, she could introduce you to someone who introduces you to the One. But by not finding out her name, you completely break that chain of potential Ones.
Jason: Whoa. You're right. I've never thought about it like that.
Me: Besides, what other options do you have on the table? Remember "Bertha" from high school? Remember how she used to follow you around all the time...?
Jason: (face goes palid)
Me: You want me to call her up? I ran into her the other day. She works on the West Side now...
Jason: NO!
The frustrating part of this conversation is that I know Jason won't find out this girl's name. And frankly, I can't blame him, because although I am apparently a deep well of knowledge from whom all may quaff wisdom, I'm still single, precisely because I am also unwilling to take petty risks on almost sure bets. Case in point: other day I was at the doctor's office, and the receptionist noticed I was reading Dante's Inferno and said with a smile "that's a really good book."
This is El Paso. Who the hell else reads Dante's Inferno and thinks it's really good? That's like God saying, "You idiot. Ask her out." But I didn't. It's hard to be charming when you're being treated for high blood pressure -- which resulted from treating what doctors thought was a UTI but is probably just a torn ligament. "Yo baby, yo baby, yo baby! Want to help me relieve some hypertension? My urine sample's clean, NAH MEAN?!?" Besides, it's hard to turn the Inferno into a pick-up line. "Maybe you should let me take you on a tour of Hell sometime..."
...yeah. Doesn't work.
Guess it's good I'm going to law school, otherwise I'd probably die alone. I've already received word that at least one set of parents is encouraging their daughter to jump on the K-Train. "He's going to be a LAWYER. Good money..."
Me: Jason, what's up? You have this 40-yard stare like a Vietnam vet.
Jason: Something...happened in one of my art labs the other day...
Me: (concerned) What's going on? Is everything alright?
Jason: I bumped into a girl. And there was a spark. And I think she felt it, too.
Me: Like an actual spark? Or are you using figurative language?
Jason: Figurative language.
Me: Ahhh. Well, did you talk to her?
Jason: I said "sorry."
Me:...
Jason: But she kept looking at me! And every time I went to go wash my bowl, she went to wash her bowl, too! She would deliberately wait to do it. And then she'd smile at me.
Me: Sounds like she wanted you. Did you get her number?
Jason: Dude, I don't even know her name. It's the first time I've ever seen her and it's probably the last time. There were people there who knew her, but I don't talk to them.
Me: So go talk to those people and find out what her name was. Look her up on Facebook, send her a message, be all "I'm Jason and I'm arty and charming, we should get coffee." And then get coffee.
Jason: Isn't that stalkerish?
Me: Maybe. But I'm probably the wrong person to ask about what constitutes "stalkerish." I used to be a journalist.
Jason: Eh. I'm not desperate for a girlfriend.
Me: It's just coffee! It's not like you guys have to get married. If she's a total psychopath then you can always just never see her again. But if she's cool, then you guys could keep seeing each other. She could be "the One" for all you know.
Jason: She could also not be the One.
Me: True. You'd never know. But even if she's not "the One" and you decide you don't want her to bear five children by you from the first sip of coffee, she could introduce you to someone who could be the One. Or, she could introduce you to someone who introduces you to the One. But by not finding out her name, you completely break that chain of potential Ones.
Jason: Whoa. You're right. I've never thought about it like that.
Me: Besides, what other options do you have on the table? Remember "Bertha" from high school? Remember how she used to follow you around all the time...?
Jason: (face goes palid)
Me: You want me to call her up? I ran into her the other day. She works on the West Side now...
Jason: NO!
The frustrating part of this conversation is that I know Jason won't find out this girl's name. And frankly, I can't blame him, because although I am apparently a deep well of knowledge from whom all may quaff wisdom, I'm still single, precisely because I am also unwilling to take petty risks on almost sure bets. Case in point: other day I was at the doctor's office, and the receptionist noticed I was reading Dante's Inferno and said with a smile "that's a really good book."
This is El Paso. Who the hell else reads Dante's Inferno and thinks it's really good? That's like God saying, "You idiot. Ask her out." But I didn't. It's hard to be charming when you're being treated for high blood pressure -- which resulted from treating what doctors thought was a UTI but is probably just a torn ligament. "Yo baby, yo baby, yo baby! Want to help me relieve some hypertension? My urine sample's clean, NAH MEAN?!?" Besides, it's hard to turn the Inferno into a pick-up line. "Maybe you should let me take you on a tour of Hell sometime..."
...yeah. Doesn't work.
Guess it's good I'm going to law school, otherwise I'd probably die alone. I've already received word that at least one set of parents is encouraging their daughter to jump on the K-Train. "He's going to be a LAWYER. Good money..."
Friday, November 20, 2009
Aaaaand We're Off
Started sending off law school applications today. So far I've slogged through seven. They are:
Santa Clara University -- Santa Clara, California
Loyola Marymount University -- Los Angeles, California
University of Miami -- Coral Gables, Florida (wtf? how?)
University of San Diego -- San Diego, California (no false advertising there. Just kidding UM, hah hah...please don't hate me, it was a joke...)
University of Texas -- Austin, Texas
Washington and Lee University -- Lexington, Virginia
College of William & Mary -- Williamsburg, Virginia
Most of these schools gave me fee waivers because I'm an underrepresented minority, and thank God for that. Law school applications are ridiculously expensive. Duke and Pepperdine offered me waivers, too. I'm tackling their applications next. Columbia University also offered to let me apply for free, but I haven't even really looked at their application in depth. I should probably get around to that. I've been avoiding East Coast schools, but New England needs Mexicans, particularly non-threatening Mexicans.
C'mon, guys. Papa needs a scholarship...
Also, my blood pressure is up. A ridiculous amount, resulting from trying to treat other health problems. Anyways, long story short, yesterday was the first day in months I have been truly caffeine-free. It was grim. As of 4:30 mountain time, I have been without caffeine for more than 36 hours. *Shakes, itches* I've also initiated the "Eat a Banana, Dammit!" campaign. Want a snack? Need to lower sodium levels? Lose weight? Have an ethical dilemma. Eat a banana, dammit.
P.S. Dear Body -- STFU and do your job.
Santa Clara University -- Santa Clara, California
Loyola Marymount University -- Los Angeles, California
University of Miami -- Coral Gables, Florida (wtf? how?)
University of San Diego -- San Diego, California (no false advertising there. Just kidding UM, hah hah...please don't hate me, it was a joke...)
University of Texas -- Austin, Texas
Washington and Lee University -- Lexington, Virginia
College of William & Mary -- Williamsburg, Virginia
Most of these schools gave me fee waivers because I'm an underrepresented minority, and thank God for that. Law school applications are ridiculously expensive. Duke and Pepperdine offered me waivers, too. I'm tackling their applications next. Columbia University also offered to let me apply for free, but I haven't even really looked at their application in depth. I should probably get around to that. I've been avoiding East Coast schools, but New England needs Mexicans, particularly non-threatening Mexicans.
C'mon, guys. Papa needs a scholarship...
Also, my blood pressure is up. A ridiculous amount, resulting from trying to treat other health problems. Anyways, long story short, yesterday was the first day in months I have been truly caffeine-free. It was grim. As of 4:30 mountain time, I have been without caffeine for more than 36 hours. *Shakes, itches* I've also initiated the "Eat a Banana, Dammit!" campaign. Want a snack? Need to lower sodium levels? Lose weight? Have an ethical dilemma. Eat a banana, dammit.
P.S. Dear Body -- STFU and do your job.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Random Thoughts Before Sunday Ends
Caffeine, fast food – I wish I knew how to quit you.
I’m starting a weeklong moratorium on fast food and caffeine, aka the only two things that keep me alive. I hope and pray that I survive this detox. Thank God I don’t have friends who smoke, otherwise I’d probably be bumming cigarettes and claiming that I can’t get cancer because I’m only “socially” ingesting fiery nicotine into my supple pink lungs.
Hating on haters
You’re a skeeze. I hate you. It would give me no greater pleasure than to yell "SKEEZE!" to your face, but I doubt you'd care. Which would take away from the pleasure of calling you a skeeze. It's a Catch-22.
And finally, on a strangely toned religious note…
My taste in songs for Mass is subversively Protestant. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that the Catholic Church has things like structure, dignity, and tradition, and knowing that from East to West, perfect offerings are being made using the same words in different languages is great. When I was in Tunis I went to Mass held in Italian and I was able to follow because the ritual was the same.
But come ON, let’s live a little! What happened to the Vatican that brought down the Soviet Union or the Vatican that has a bunch of bishops running around in Dan Brown novels? I know I’m not *supposed* to like “worship” music because it comes from those pesky schismatics, but we’re losing people because they feel alienated by codgery old prudes and their codgery young children who cast disapproving looks over EVERYTHING. One way we can reach out is with good music. We are NOT fundamentalist Bible-thumpers who forbid singing because it might lead to dancing and God forbid talking. The Catholic Church is the foundation of Western music. If there's anything we know, it's that music can bring people into an experience on a whole other level. So why are we so lame when it comes to reaching out?
Churches used to be places where people came together to celebrate. When did we go from rejoicing in being alive to “Thou shalt not dance in the House of God. Thou shalt not have guitars or percussive instruments, nor shall thine musicians induce excitement about what is going on in front of everyone”? Sure, there should be restraint. I've seen horrible circus clowns who make themselves the center of attention at services with antics and overstated sound systems. Verily, they will get their reward. But Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says there’s a time for everything, right? “A time to mourn and a time to dance”? So why are we always so dour?
Whatever. I’m not a cardinal and I’m going to Hell anyways, it’s not like my opinion matters. Black Baptists and Zoroastrians, you’re on notice. I need music and/or fire in my worship services.
I’m starting a weeklong moratorium on fast food and caffeine, aka the only two things that keep me alive. I hope and pray that I survive this detox. Thank God I don’t have friends who smoke, otherwise I’d probably be bumming cigarettes and claiming that I can’t get cancer because I’m only “socially” ingesting fiery nicotine into my supple pink lungs.
Hating on haters
You’re a skeeze. I hate you. It would give me no greater pleasure than to yell "SKEEZE!" to your face, but I doubt you'd care. Which would take away from the pleasure of calling you a skeeze. It's a Catch-22.
And finally, on a strangely toned religious note…
My taste in songs for Mass is subversively Protestant. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that the Catholic Church has things like structure, dignity, and tradition, and knowing that from East to West, perfect offerings are being made using the same words in different languages is great. When I was in Tunis I went to Mass held in Italian and I was able to follow because the ritual was the same.
But come ON, let’s live a little! What happened to the Vatican that brought down the Soviet Union or the Vatican that has a bunch of bishops running around in Dan Brown novels? I know I’m not *supposed* to like “worship” music because it comes from those pesky schismatics, but we’re losing people because they feel alienated by codgery old prudes and their codgery young children who cast disapproving looks over EVERYTHING. One way we can reach out is with good music. We are NOT fundamentalist Bible-thumpers who forbid singing because it might lead to dancing and God forbid talking. The Catholic Church is the foundation of Western music. If there's anything we know, it's that music can bring people into an experience on a whole other level. So why are we so lame when it comes to reaching out?
Churches used to be places where people came together to celebrate. When did we go from rejoicing in being alive to “Thou shalt not dance in the House of God. Thou shalt not have guitars or percussive instruments, nor shall thine musicians induce excitement about what is going on in front of everyone”? Sure, there should be restraint. I've seen horrible circus clowns who make themselves the center of attention at services with antics and overstated sound systems. Verily, they will get their reward. But Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says there’s a time for everything, right? “A time to mourn and a time to dance”? So why are we always so dour?
Whatever. I’m not a cardinal and I’m going to Hell anyways, it’s not like my opinion matters. Black Baptists and Zoroastrians, you’re on notice. I need music and/or fire in my worship services.
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