2010!! WOO!!!!

So yesterday I meant to post witty commentary about the new year that no one will ever read but I've been lazy. Not a good way to start off 2010 (pronounced twenty-ten, btw) but it'll still be better than whatever this past year was...

...2009, you say? Ha ha, silly people. 2009 never happened! You know how I know? Because I don't remember anything about it! If I can't remember it, it didn't happen. Must...dance away...shame...*turns on blaring salsa music* DANCE, FOOLS!!! DANCE TO FORGET!!!

...*breathes*

Alright, so for posterity's sake, I've decided to catalogue and "publicize" (hah) my resolutions, along with how likely it will be for me to follow through on these. I've made several. So, without further ado, here's how I plan to make my life better than the past year (which didn't happen)...

RESOLUTION THE FIRST: Find a part time job
So working on the set of Law and Order: La Raza for six months now is all well and good, but the fact of the matter is that I'm still an all-too-willing collectivist slave an unpaid volunteer. The impetus behind getting a paying job faded once I realized I wouldn't be in El Chuco long enough to sign a lease on an apartment, and my parents are willing to give me money for booze and strippers and small arms for "incidentals." Still, it would be nice to have some money of my own to mess around with, especially since I'd like to go back to North Africa this summer. Ideal job: clothing store or Barnes and Noble. Something away from food.

Probability of success: moderate.

RESOLUTION THE SECOND: Losing 12 to 15 pounds by March 1
Okay, so everyone who knows me knows I've been trying to lose weight since God knows when, but the thing was, I wasn't *really* trying. Now, I have a plan involving how many calories I may consume daily. Also, fast food has been banished to Fridays, I plan on going to the gym on a daily basis by mid-January and then going twice a day on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays by February. I've got a PLAN. Currently, I weight 181. Ideally, I'd like to be down somewhere around 167 to 169.

Probability of success: again, moderate. I probably won't succeed in every part of the plan, but by March 1, I expect to have lost *some* weight. If not, ima be pissed.

RESOLUTION THE THIRD: Learn one chapter from Build Your Arabic Vocabulary a week until I learn all the words by May 1
Yep, another resolution with a deadline. I've been lazy in keeping up my Arabic, and the Syrian owner of the Sunglass Hut at Cielo Vista seemed a little wary when I came up to him with a fresh buzzcut and tried to chat him up. So I've decided to learn a chapter of vocab every week, beginning with food, until I have memoried all 1,000 words. To be fair, I already know a lot of them.

Probability of success: Well, depends. If I stick with it, it's certainly do-able. (As are all these, I guess...)


RESOLUTION THE FOURTH: Memorize all eight SparkCharts related to law before May 31
Basically, I found these charts at Barnes and Noble that outline everything I'm going to be learning my first semester of law school. Since on occasion I can be a notorious half-ass, I figure I'll get a head-start on my legal studies, lest I find myself ready to snap psychologically encapsulated by the crushing sense of quiet desperation small-town charm of Waco my first semester.

Probability of success: Eh, no biggie. I don't really *have* to, it would just lessen the pain of the inevitable mind-meld that is law school

RESOLUTION THE FIFTH: Take a multivitamin supplement
Let's face it -- I eat crap everyday. I'm the furthest thing from a vegan you'll ever find. I don't even come *close* to eating a balanced diet, and sadly, I probably never will. That's why I need a multivitamin. This is an incredibly easy thing to do. Sadly, it's the New Year's resolution I am least likely to follow through on because of it.

Probability of success: Very low, indeed.

Feliz Navidad

Christmas is over. I survived yesterday's Mass in spite of questionable singing. I got two knives, a leather jacket, and cash as gifts. And my aunt snuck me two fairly strong sangrias, which I drank right in front of my mom's face without her knowing. All in all, a stereotypically Chucho-style Christmas.

Now, it's time to get back on another one of my half-assed diets. I wanna get a head-start on my empty promises New Year's Resolutions for 2010. And in all honesty, I'm not looking forward to the new year at EP Fitness. If it's anything like the Rec Center at UNT, for the next two weeks the gym will be flooded with lardos well-intentioned people clogging up the place like arterial plaque.

Seriously, though, I gotta get back on the ball. Sexy takes work. Stupid sexy.

The Man-Voice Dialectics, Part One

NOTE: The following entry makes extensive use of profanity.

Hey FATASS!

This is your inner Man-Voice. I know you've been using your inexplicable man-pain as a way to avoid going to the gym, but SUCK IT UP, YA GODDAM PANSY! You're balding and have an awkward head shape. If you don't have a smokin' hot bod, NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU!

What happened to athlete from earlier this summer? You walked around the gym in a black tanktop showing off your pathetic-ass arms like you OWNED the place. Now you got pecs and some traps for the first time in your LIFE, and they're buried under layers of Hot Pockets because your Godzilla-ass can't stop eating. Ease up, yo. There are muscles, but they're like fucking FOSSILS, dude! All hidden and antediluvian and shit. And there ain't no paleontologists at the clubs, na'mean?

How do you expect to kick Osama bin Laden's ass in the future if you can't run? You mean to tell me that Osama's gonna outrun you because you sat on your elephantine butt all night to watch CSI: Miami? Homey, that assclown has KIDNEY disease and he can still hobble around the Khyber Pass like a motherfucker!

Bro, I'm not gonna lie to you. You an UGLY sonuvabitch. Ain't NOBODY gonna mistake you for Zac the Nut Sack Efron. Your eyes don't make me all woozy and shit. But you got potential. You could be a sexy fucker. And I don't even mean that in a gay way even though I'm kind of aroused right now. You shave that lumpy thing you call a head, eat creatine for breakfast, and you could be the next Vin Diesel, bro! Not even lying. So put down the remote and drag your ass to the GYM! And get PUMPED! WOOO!!! YOU WITH ME?!?!?

ME: Nah, man. Conan's on. But you know what? I could *really* go for a Chicken Marinara Sandwich. That's healthy, right? I mean, it's from SUBWAY...