"Okay. Shut up. Conversation over. Stuff as many of these into your coat pockets as you can." -- Me to my brother, in the middle of a deep philosophical conversation, re: bottles of Jack
Found out that I'm either 1/16 Apache or 1/16 Huichol Indian from Mexico. Either way, I now understand why I have patchy facial hair.
I *hate* rock music. And metal. And whatever else my brother listens to. And I do NOT want to go to shows.
I'm 94 percent sure this girl in North Africa is in love with me. She's spazzing out over Facebook because she's having problems with her ex. As a result, Im only 78 percent sure the videos she posts with the caption "to my baby!!!" are for me. I'm scared.
So I thought I had a deadly disease. And my doctors thought I had a deadly disease. And it turns out I did have a deadly disease. But my immune system fought it off. So yay!
I broke my glasses. Sad panda. Sad, blind panda.
Showing posts with label free writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label free writing. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
The SECRET to Happiness: a MESSAGE from El Guero
I finished a two-week stint as a temp for a law office. Before I left I wrote this note, intending to post it on my blog, describing my feelings toward the job. I've decided to publish it below:
I AM finally BEING a productive member of society, HELD to a higher standard than I was before. AGAINST all odds and in spite of MY doubts I WILL be receiving a paycheck soon.
I know what you're thinking. "Hey, IF YOU ARE getting paid soon, how will you spend your money?" Frankly, after READING over my bank statements, I haven't really given THIS much thought. I suppose I'll do as I PLEASE. Maybe I'll even SEND myself to Barbados for summer! It's a long drive to the office. I have to pass a LIQUOR store AND LOTS OF churches. IT never ceases to amaze me how religious this city is!
Rest assured, I love this job. WHY? Well, GOD only knows WHY. I'm still in shock that I'm employed! I ask myself, DID I really grow up and DECIDE TO take on adult responsibilities when I said I would DO THIS? Sure, it's a little stressful, but I WANT to challenge myself and decided TO take a STAB at something new. Temping can be rough, but as I MYSELF always say REPEATEDLY, a bird IN THE HAND is worth two in the bush! I JUST have TO REMIND MYSELF to be positive, and THAT PART OF ME knows this IS character-building. STILL, although this is all part of the collective HUMAN experience, I can't wait to be free again!
TELL you what, the people in this place are starting to become like MY FAMILY. But I have to get back on task! Although I LOVE the granola bars that I'm eating right now, I probably shouldn't be eating THEM at my desk! Lulz.
* * *
Also, I went to Miami on the University of Miami's dime. It was awesome. Remind me to tell you about it some time.
I AM finally BEING a productive member of society, HELD to a higher standard than I was before. AGAINST all odds and in spite of MY doubts I WILL be receiving a paycheck soon.
I know what you're thinking. "Hey, IF YOU ARE getting paid soon, how will you spend your money?" Frankly, after READING over my bank statements, I haven't really given THIS much thought. I suppose I'll do as I PLEASE. Maybe I'll even SEND myself to Barbados for summer! It's a long drive to the office. I have to pass a LIQUOR store AND LOTS OF churches. IT never ceases to amaze me how religious this city is!
Rest assured, I love this job. WHY? Well, GOD only knows WHY. I'm still in shock that I'm employed! I ask myself, DID I really grow up and DECIDE TO take on adult responsibilities when I said I would DO THIS? Sure, it's a little stressful, but I WANT to challenge myself and decided TO take a STAB at something new. Temping can be rough, but as I MYSELF always say REPEATEDLY, a bird IN THE HAND is worth two in the bush! I JUST have TO REMIND MYSELF to be positive, and THAT PART OF ME knows this IS character-building. STILL, although this is all part of the collective HUMAN experience, I can't wait to be free again!
TELL you what, the people in this place are starting to become like MY FAMILY. But I have to get back on task! Although I LOVE the granola bars that I'm eating right now, I probably shouldn't be eating THEM at my desk! Lulz.
* * *
Also, I went to Miami on the University of Miami's dime. It was awesome. Remind me to tell you about it some time.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Tabla Rasa
Dear 2010 --
Please get here soon. I did a lot of dumb shit in 2009, and I kind of want to just write this whole year off and call it "finding myself." Oh, learning the hard way about actions and your silly, silly consequences.
I've got fences to mend, bridges to burn, things to forget, and lessons to remember. I need a new start, a clean slate, a second (third? fourth?) chance. I need to limit my intake of Whataburger, caffeine, and The Fray. I should learn to stop going into bulldog argument mode when it comes to politics and instead talk about X-Men mythology more. I need to reconcile New Me with Old Me. I need to do a better job at balancing forces in opposition.
And also, I'm curious to see how many people say "Two thousand ten" as opposed to "Twenty ten."
So stop by when you can. But I'm in no rush. As the Arabs say, al-sabour jameel -- patience is beautiful. See you on the flip side, 2010. And 2009, go to Hell. Don't get me wrong, we had some good times together. But seriously, I'm through with you.
Your pal,
El Guero
Please get here soon. I did a lot of dumb shit in 2009, and I kind of want to just write this whole year off and call it "finding myself." Oh, learning the hard way about actions and your silly, silly consequences.
I've got fences to mend, bridges to burn, things to forget, and lessons to remember. I need a new start, a clean slate, a second (third? fourth?) chance. I need to limit my intake of Whataburger, caffeine, and The Fray. I should learn to stop going into bulldog argument mode when it comes to politics and instead talk about X-Men mythology more. I need to reconcile New Me with Old Me. I need to do a better job at balancing forces in opposition.
And also, I'm curious to see how many people say "Two thousand ten" as opposed to "Twenty ten."
So stop by when you can. But I'm in no rush. As the Arabs say, al-sabour jameel -- patience is beautiful. See you on the flip side, 2010. And 2009, go to Hell. Don't get me wrong, we had some good times together. But seriously, I'm through with you.
Your pal,
El Guero
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Finding the Middle
I have an all-or-nothing personality. My task at this point in my life is to try and find a middle ground.
People don’t like middle grounds. We like conflict and gladiatorial bloodshed. Hell. I like conflict and gladiatorial bloodshed. But trying to point out that this is not Rome and that we cannot turn everything into Russell Crowe fighting a guy in a scary mask does not go over well with anyone, myself included. Even trying to stay neutral causes conflict. Trying to make judicious decisions, or even arguing that the world we live in is not concrete but fluid, gets you labeled as an untrustworthy fence-sitter.
Maybe I am. But to be fair, it’s not easy. Here’s what I’ve ascertained so far, sitting on my pickets.
I should probably be an atheist, but I believe in God nonetheless. I’m incredibly cynical and jaded when it comes to romance, but if my iPod were played in public all lactose intolerant persons in the near vicinity would drop dead to the ground, choked to death by cheesy Spanish love songs and the angry eminations of their own treacherous intestines.
I am both the cause of much chaos and the solution to it. Depending on the situation, I can be yin or yang, leaving me to wonder if I am a boring person with a wild side or a wild person with a boring streak. In the words of James Hilton, all things in moderation – even moderation. Dull situations turn me into the ladle that stirs the pot of excitement, but during exciting times, I am the sole voice of restraint. Perhaps one day when those sides of me balance into quiescence, I will be the ladle of restraint among my friends and neighbors in Shangri La, prodding shy cattle forward and rapping the knuckles of unrighteous.
I have a knack for thinking only of myself, of being shortsighted and egotistic, reducing my world to something "manageable." Yet under the right circumstances, I can be nuturing, protective, concerned, patrician to the point of mothering people into eating more tacos when they are clearly full. I’m told I’d be a good shrink or a good mob boss.
I am a reactionary rubber band prone to snapping clear across to the other side of the room in a fit of devil’s advocacy. I hide things in plain sight, and I tend to distrust gut feelings, both because they are uninformed and because I have IBS, so the only feelings in my gut are painful ones. I have good instincts, though. I just usually disregard them. I turned 21 a few months ago, but most people think I’m at least five years older. And married for some reason. Trying to act younger just exacerbates people’s perceptions.
I am no closer to finding the middle than when I started writing this. Maybe if I throw more rocks into the Yin-Yang pond analogy posited by Wikipedia, I can watch the ripples even out and then figure it out.
Philosophy and introspection blow.
People don’t like middle grounds. We like conflict and gladiatorial bloodshed. Hell. I like conflict and gladiatorial bloodshed. But trying to point out that this is not Rome and that we cannot turn everything into Russell Crowe fighting a guy in a scary mask does not go over well with anyone, myself included. Even trying to stay neutral causes conflict. Trying to make judicious decisions, or even arguing that the world we live in is not concrete but fluid, gets you labeled as an untrustworthy fence-sitter.
Maybe I am. But to be fair, it’s not easy. Here’s what I’ve ascertained so far, sitting on my pickets.
I should probably be an atheist, but I believe in God nonetheless. I’m incredibly cynical and jaded when it comes to romance, but if my iPod were played in public all lactose intolerant persons in the near vicinity would drop dead to the ground, choked to death by cheesy Spanish love songs and the angry eminations of their own treacherous intestines.
I am both the cause of much chaos and the solution to it. Depending on the situation, I can be yin or yang, leaving me to wonder if I am a boring person with a wild side or a wild person with a boring streak. In the words of James Hilton, all things in moderation – even moderation. Dull situations turn me into the ladle that stirs the pot of excitement, but during exciting times, I am the sole voice of restraint. Perhaps one day when those sides of me balance into quiescence, I will be the ladle of restraint among my friends and neighbors in Shangri La, prodding shy cattle forward and rapping the knuckles of unrighteous.
I have a knack for thinking only of myself, of being shortsighted and egotistic, reducing my world to something "manageable." Yet under the right circumstances, I can be nuturing, protective, concerned, patrician to the point of mothering people into eating more tacos when they are clearly full. I’m told I’d be a good shrink or a good mob boss.
I am a reactionary rubber band prone to snapping clear across to the other side of the room in a fit of devil’s advocacy. I hide things in plain sight, and I tend to distrust gut feelings, both because they are uninformed and because I have IBS, so the only feelings in my gut are painful ones. I have good instincts, though. I just usually disregard them. I turned 21 a few months ago, but most people think I’m at least five years older. And married for some reason. Trying to act younger just exacerbates people’s perceptions.
I am no closer to finding the middle than when I started writing this. Maybe if I throw more rocks into the Yin-Yang pond analogy posited by Wikipedia, I can watch the ripples even out and then figure it out.
Philosophy and introspection blow.
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