Chomsky, King of the Jews?

Quote of the Day:

"I know that not all Jews are bad. I personally love Chomsky" -- My friend "Oussa" from Tunisia, re: Jews

So I got into a discussion with Oussa about U.S. policy in the Middle East via MSN. Fuuuuuun. Don't get me wrong, Oussa is awesome and I love talking to her, but conversations about the Palestinian-Israeli conflict are always tough, especially when your interlocutor is Arab, you're American, and you have to defend a decades-long pissing contest with the Soviet Union and the line of neo-con bullshit spewing from Washington.

Still, the best exchange of the night in my opinion went as follows:

ME: I hope you know that I agree with you on a lot of your points. I'm just playing Devil's advocate :)
OUSSA: Yeah!! You are! Pfft!
ME: Lol
ME: I'm going to be a lawyer, it's what I have to do ;-)
OUSSA: Lol. You'll set criminals free!! I hate you! [NOTE: She didn't really mean that...I think]

Now, I know *usually* saying that someone will set criminals free is a bad thing, but I took it as a compliment that I am good at arguing and that I'd make an excellent defense attorney. Of course, I'd never do that. I have morals. For now. Also, on a personal note, I'm thinking about maybe becoming an entertainment lawyer. I know! How I can go from immigrant advocacy to filing frivilous lawsuits for Quincy Jones? Mortal sin. Don't tell anyone, you guys!

And finally, I saw a Bud Light commercial on Facebook a.k.a. that rich bastard Mark Zuckerburg's personal data Ponzi scheme for selling my individuality to the highest bidder YOU ASSHOLE!!! that translated "drinkability" as "tomabilidad." Ladies and gentleman, we've translated a nonsense word from one language to another.

Cue apocalyspe in three...two...

Judge, Jury, and Executioner

Admissions Hearing, Docket No. 101-23-456
The People v. Miguel Hakim de la Santisima Trinidad

*METAL CLANGING SOUND*

Prosecutor: Judge, as you can clearly see, this applicant is unworthy of entrance into law school. His LSAT score is mediocre, and although his GPA is fairly high, he got his degree from a backwater hick college with a lackluster academic record and the worst football team this side of the Mississippi! Even the Defendant himself admits that his bachelor's degree is functionally useless.

Me: It was a pretty shitty school. I mean, Dr. Phil went there...

Prosecutor: I rest my case! Given these circumstances, it is obvious that the Defendant would not be a good law student. His motion for admission should and must be denied.

Defense: Your Honor, the Prosecution's objections are as strained and threadbare as William Shatner's girdle. There is not an applicant out there more capable at succeeding in law school than my client. First of all, the Eagles and Mean Joe Green also went to my client's school. Second of all, for the past five months, he has been volunteering in the trenches of immigration law, fighting for Lah RAH-zuh...

Me: (angrily) La RAZA

Defense: See? Fluent in Spanish. And underprivileged! His mom is Mexican. He grew up fifteen minutes from a bloody civil war in Mexico!

Prosecutor: Judge, I mean, REALLY. This is a grade-A charade. While the Applicant's unpaid community service work is commendable, he's about as Mexican as Lou Dobbs, and his mom has a master's degree. How underprivileged. Who does he think he's fooling with that goatee? And Your Honor, he's LAZY.

Defense: Are you calling my client a lazy Mexican?

Judge: You're on thin ice, Counselor.

Prosecutor: But just look at that paunch! He's tried to lose that countless times and he fails. We cannot invest our time in flabby, fatassed failures when we can place people with commitment AND rock-hard abs into the seats of this fair institution.

Me: ...(looks down at stomach with shame)

Defense: Your Honor, my client's failures can be explained away by medical conditions. He dropped out of music school because of a nerve-damaged hand, and he can't go to the gym because he's having pains of a manly nature. Let me ask you -- would a lazy person spend a summer learning Arabic in North Africa? Judge, admission into that program was more selective than admission to Harvard University! Judge, would a lazy person work two jobs and go to school full-time? Would a lazy person graduate from college in THREE years? Just look at these letters of recommendation. Hard-working. Dedicated. Mature. Funny. And he's a MEXICAN.

Prosecutor: Your Honor, all of Mr. Johnson's fancy arguments are moot. The Defendant himself doesn't even know if he wants to go to law school.

Judge: Is this true?

Me: (little boy voice)...I wanna go....

Judge: Young man, if the Prosecutor is right, then it doesn't matter how qualified or un-qualified you are. If you do not know if you want to go to law school, then you do not belong in law school. So before I render my decision, I have to ask: do you want to go to law school?

Me: ...

Frustrating Conversations

At the Lee Trevino Starbucks, over manly mocha frappachinos...

Me: Jason, what's up? You have this 40-yard stare like a Vietnam vet.
Jason: Something...happened in one of my art labs the other day...
Me: (concerned) What's going on? Is everything alright?
Jason: I bumped into a girl. And there was a spark. And I think she felt it, too.
Me: Like an actual spark? Or are you using figurative language?
Jason: Figurative language.
Me: Ahhh. Well, did you talk to her?
Jason: I said "sorry."
Me:...
Jason: But she kept looking at me! And every time I went to go wash my bowl, she went to wash her bowl, too! She would deliberately wait to do it. And then she'd smile at me.
Me: Sounds like she wanted you. Did you get her number?
Jason: Dude, I don't even know her name. It's the first time I've ever seen her and it's probably the last time. There were people there who knew her, but I don't talk to them.
Me: So go talk to those people and find out what her name was. Look her up on Facebook, send her a message, be all "I'm Jason and I'm arty and charming, we should get coffee." And then get coffee.
Jason: Isn't that stalkerish?
Me: Maybe. But I'm probably the wrong person to ask about what constitutes "stalkerish." I used to be a journalist.
Jason: Eh. I'm not desperate for a girlfriend.
Me: It's just coffee! It's not like you guys have to get married. If she's a total psychopath then you can always just never see her again. But if she's cool, then you guys could keep seeing each other. She could be "the One" for all you know.
Jason: She could also not be the One.
Me: True. You'd never know. But even if she's not "the One" and you decide you don't want her to bear five children by you from the first sip of coffee, she could introduce you to someone who could be the One. Or, she could introduce you to someone who introduces you to the One. But by not finding out her name, you completely break that chain of potential Ones.
Jason: Whoa. You're right. I've never thought about it like that.
Me: Besides, what other options do you have on the table? Remember "Bertha" from high school? Remember how she used to follow you around all the time...?
Jason: (face goes palid)
Me: You want me to call her up? I ran into her the other day. She works on the West Side now...
Jason: NO!

The frustrating part of this conversation is that I know Jason won't find out this girl's name. And frankly, I can't blame him, because although I am apparently a deep well of knowledge from whom all may quaff wisdom, I'm still single, precisely because I am also unwilling to take petty risks on almost sure bets. Case in point: other day I was at the doctor's office, and the receptionist noticed I was reading Dante's Inferno and said with a smile "that's a really good book."

This is El Paso. Who the hell else reads Dante's Inferno and thinks it's really good? That's like God saying, "You idiot. Ask her out." But I didn't. It's hard to be charming when you're being treated for high blood pressure -- which resulted from treating what doctors thought was a UTI but is probably just a torn ligament. "Yo baby, yo baby, yo baby! Want to help me relieve some hypertension? My urine sample's clean, NAH MEAN?!?" Besides, it's hard to turn the Inferno into a pick-up line. "Maybe you should let me take you on a tour of Hell sometime..."

...yeah. Doesn't work.

Guess it's good I'm going to law school, otherwise I'd probably die alone. I've already received word that at least one set of parents is encouraging their daughter to jump on the K-Train. "He's going to be a LAWYER. Good money..."

The Man-Voice Dialectics, Part One

NOTE: The following entry makes extensive use of profanity.

Hey FATASS!

This is your inner Man-Voice. I know you've been using your inexplicable man-pain as a way to avoid going to the gym, but SUCK IT UP, YA GODDAM PANSY! You're balding and have an awkward head shape. If you don't have a smokin' hot bod, NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU!

What happened to athlete from earlier this summer? You walked around the gym in a black tanktop showing off your pathetic-ass arms like you OWNED the place. Now you got pecs and some traps for the first time in your LIFE, and they're buried under layers of Hot Pockets because your Godzilla-ass can't stop eating. Ease up, yo. There are muscles, but they're like fucking FOSSILS, dude! All hidden and antediluvian and shit. And there ain't no paleontologists at the clubs, na'mean?

How do you expect to kick Osama bin Laden's ass in the future if you can't run? You mean to tell me that Osama's gonna outrun you because you sat on your elephantine butt all night to watch CSI: Miami? Homey, that assclown has KIDNEY disease and he can still hobble around the Khyber Pass like a motherfucker!

Bro, I'm not gonna lie to you. You an UGLY sonuvabitch. Ain't NOBODY gonna mistake you for Zac the Nut Sack Efron. Your eyes don't make me all woozy and shit. But you got potential. You could be a sexy fucker. And I don't even mean that in a gay way even though I'm kind of aroused right now. You shave that lumpy thing you call a head, eat creatine for breakfast, and you could be the next Vin Diesel, bro! Not even lying. So put down the remote and drag your ass to the GYM! And get PUMPED! WOOO!!! YOU WITH ME?!?!?

ME: Nah, man. Conan's on. But you know what? I could *really* go for a Chicken Marinara Sandwich. That's healthy, right? I mean, it's from SUBWAY...