On Hats

People treat me differently when I wear hats.

I usually can't pull off baseball hats because my giant head is shaped like a deformed crocodile egg. (And yeah, I know what a crocodile egg looks like, I used to go to zoo camp during the summers as a kid. Bitches.)

But I discovered last year that if I tilt the hat to the side just a smidge, I can pull off a frat boy look. Douchey, but socially acceptable.

Anyways, I spent all last week in Austin checking out UT Law, and in Denton, where I bought a white hat from my alma mater, Hellhole State University. I've taken a liking to it, and especially since getting a shitty, asymmetrical buzzcut, I've been wearing it pretty often.

This weekend I wore it while I was out on a food run with Malena. She even commented on how it looked "hip hop." The cashier girls at Corner Bakery refused to make eye contact, assumedly becuase I was too thug. So as we're going down Zaragosa and we pull up to the corner, this guy taking donations for one of the local Black Baptist churches spots me. With my white baseball cap. Tilted. He points and smiles. I know I'm doomed.

"BIG BALLA!!!" he yells out as he walks towards the car. "Damn you so balla you got yo woman driving you around in the car!"

"Of course," I reply. "That's how you gotta work it."

Long story short, I gave the guy a dollar and I think Malena was mildly horrified to be referred to as my "woman." She got a kick out of "big balla" though. I think it's my new nickname.

Oh and by the way I officially left the set of Law and Order: La Raza. Next adventure -- free trip to Miami. More to come.

Stopping for Wi-Fi on a Snowy Morning

First order of business: Kristoph's Coffeehouse CLOSED! In August, according to my cousin! And my friends and I who "loved" it barely noticed! We all tried to remember when the last time we went was and we really couldn't. That's probably why it closed.

For what it's worth, I kind of hated that place in high school. In fact, I kind of hate pretentious-ass coffeeshops and what they represent in general, but now that I've gotten hooked on caffeine, I have to repress that anger, buy a $4 effeminate-sounding coffee, lie back, and think of England. (My caffeine abstention failed quickly, in case you were wondering a couple weeks ago.)

So why am I looking for Wi-Fi? Because I'm still writing that article, still waiting for people to call me back, and I can't get anything accomplished at the house. It's a Hell that sucks from me all motivation. So I've gone looking around for free Wi-Fi on the East Side. Here's what I found.

Kristoph's -- Closed. Obviously no Wi-Fi there.

El Paso Library Irving Schwarz Branch -- You FAIL me, socialism! I show up at 10:15 a.m. on a Tuesday morning looking to take refuge in your hallowed walls, and I find out you don't start working until noon. Like some pothead. It'll be another two years before I visit YOU again. Pfft.

Burger King on Lee Trevino -- You had so much potential. You really did. I walked in at 10:23ish and your cashier looked at me like I was silly when I asked if it was too early for chicken fries. You had free Wi-Fi! You were clean! No one was there! You even had the TV tuned to CNN! I would have NEVER thought that I would feel like yelling out "Nasir's point about Pakistani ISI involvment in Afghanistan is SPOT ON!" in a Burger King. It was like heaven on earth. But you didn't have power outlets. And my battery was low. A Romeo and Juliet love tragedy with grease. I'll miss you.

Starbucks on Lee Trevino -- Screw that. They've raped me of enough of my money already. And their Wi-Fi costs $4. In Tunis I could get Wi-Fi Internet access with purchase of a bottle of Coke (Kookah-Koola) and I could get coffee that fucked me up good for like a dime. And that's AFRICA. Kiss my hipster ass.

Village Inn on Trawood -- Why are there five million people at VILLAGE INN on a snowy Tuesday morning? What the hell is this, a Norman Rockwell painting? Forget that.

Carl's Jr on Lee Trevino across the street from Hanks High School -- Let me just say: I HATE CARL'S JR.! I'd rather gnaw on poison than shove one of those abominations they call "burgers" down my gullet. But they have free Wi-Fi. They also have a flat-screen TV tuned to CNN, but the volume's turned down. I can't hear news over the sound of Lady GaGa taking a ride on my disco-stick. Still, this is where I've settled, STILL waiting for NMSU to call me back. I hate journalism. I'll probably be camped out here, nursing Diet Coke refills and listening to Enrique Iglesias' "Escape" on a loop until I get kicked out. "You can ruuun, you can hiiide, but you can't escape my loooove..."

Fun fact from the graffiti in the bathroom, though: "BOBBY LIKES COCK!!! ALOT! (sic)" and "Frankie eat's dick (sic)" Good to see the kids at Hanks are getting a good education. And remind me to stay away from Frankie, whoever he (she?) is.

EDIT 12:02 P.M. Oh crap. Today's the first day of December. And I forgot what my New Year's Resolution for 2009 was.