On the Existence of God

"Trying to determine whether God exists from what you learn in college is like trying to perform brain surgery with a sharpened rock. Call me when you get to grad school."

Me, to a friend who says that college has made her start turning into an atheist

I Wonder How An Arab Jay Leno Would Read These Headlines

So in an attempt to learn Arabic better, I became a fan of CNN Arabic on Facebook. Now, I get the occasional Arabic headline pop up in my news feed. At the beginning I found myself cheating plugging phrases in to Google Translate to understand what they meant. But with the passage of time, even given my limited Arabic, I've learned crucial words and phrases necessary to understand Middle Eastern media.

The following are actual headlines I've read on CNN Arabic's newsfeed within the past three days, without the assistance of dictionaries or other translation aids. I thought I'd share:

Anwar al-Awlaki ... for jihad against "the Great American Satan"

Clashes between Palestinian youth and Israeli forces ... West Bank and ... north of Jerusalem

Israel ... on Arabs "..." in memory of Al-Nakbah ("the Catastrophe" -- what Arabs call the day Israel was establish in 1948)

Killing of Thai workers by a Qassam rocket in South Israel (while this news was sad, it excited me, because I was able to guess the word for "rocket" by context clues!)

Tiger Woods returns to playing following the scandal of ... (this one was hard at first because I couldn't figure out who the hell "Taaygur Woudz" was)

Clinton in Moscow for ... "Start 2" and the Middle East

How would you know that you were someone who is addicted to sex? (best headline ever)

... "Hello Kitty" ... Melia Obama

Names of famous people are hard, because they're spelled out phonetically, so Hillary Clinton becomes "Heelaaree Kleentoon." Also, Arabic doesn't have some of the letters that English does, so General David Petraeus becomes "El Jinraal Dayfeed Batrayoos." More hilariously, Oprah becomes "Oobra." Yes. They love Oobra in the Middle East.

The commenters are also fun. I get excited when I start understanding phrases like "Obama is in the hands of the Zionists." It makes me hope that one day I will be good enough to plug these phrases into Google Translate for the federal government. Inchallah.

Wa aydhan ana sa3eed li an 3alamtu an a7id min asdi9a2i laysa fi kyrgyzstan alaan. Al7amdullah.

Thought Vomit

"Okay. Shut up. Conversation over. Stuff as many of these into your coat pockets as you can." -- Me to my brother, in the middle of a deep philosophical conversation, re: bottles of Jack

Found out that I'm either 1/16 Apache or 1/16 Huichol Indian from Mexico. Either way, I now understand why I have patchy facial hair.

I *hate* rock music. And metal. And whatever else my brother listens to. And I do NOT want to go to shows.

I'm 94 percent sure this girl in North Africa is in love with me. She's spazzing out over Facebook because she's having problems with her ex. As a result, Im only 78 percent sure the videos she posts with the caption "to my baby!!!" are for me. I'm scared.

So I thought I had a deadly disease. And my doctors thought I had a deadly disease. And it turns out I did have a deadly disease. But my immune system fought it off. So yay!

I broke my glasses. Sad panda. Sad, blind panda.

The SECRET to Happiness: a MESSAGE from El Guero

I finished a two-week stint as a temp for a law office. Before I left I wrote this note, intending to post it on my blog, describing my feelings toward the job. I've decided to publish it below:

I AM finally BEING a productive member of society, HELD to a higher standard than I was before. AGAINST all odds and in spite of MY doubts I WILL be receiving a paycheck soon.

I know what you're thinking. "Hey, IF YOU ARE getting paid soon, how will you spend your money?" Frankly, after READING over my bank statements, I haven't really given THIS much thought. I suppose I'll do as I PLEASE. Maybe I'll even SEND myself to Barbados for summer! It's a long drive to the office. I have to pass a LIQUOR store AND LOTS OF churches. IT never ceases to amaze me how religious this city is!

Rest assured, I love this job. WHY? Well, GOD only knows WHY. I'm still in shock that I'm employed! I ask myself, DID I really grow up and DECIDE TO take on adult responsibilities when I said I would DO THIS? Sure, it's a little stressful, but I WANT to challenge myself and decided TO take a STAB at something new. Temping can be rough, but as I MYSELF always say REPEATEDLY, a bird IN THE HAND is worth two in the bush! I JUST have TO REMIND MYSELF to be positive, and THAT PART OF ME knows this IS character-building. STILL, although this is all part of the collective HUMAN experience, I can't wait to be free again!

TELL you what, the people in this place are starting to become like MY FAMILY. But I have to get back on task! Although I LOVE the granola bars that I'm eating right now, I probably shouldn't be eating THEM at my desk! Lulz.

* * *

Also, I went to Miami on the University of Miami's dime. It was awesome. Remind me to tell you about it some time.

On Smoking

Had lunch with my scientist uncle again today -- the one of algae oil repute.

Somehow we got on the topic of smoking. I have a checkered past involving smoking. It's what happens when you spend a lot of time around Arabs, Mexicans, journalists, and "arteests".

Anyways, after the typical "cigarettes are death!!!" moralistic condemnation from all sides, Uncle starts talking about how in college, his calculus teacher used to smoke cigars in class. Big, fat, probably Cuban cigars. With the illicit glee of a 12-year-old boy telling his friends about how he saw boobies for the first time, Uncle takes a quick glance around Applebee's and quietly intones that one time, he smoked. He says this with pride, like he's a true rebel.

His nerd friends and him decided one day to grab a bunch of cigars and try to smoke them. Uncle says he was afraid to inhale but finally worked up the nerve to do so. He ended up coughing, and then he puked. He says this with a glint in his eyes, reliving the cheap thrill of youthful vomiting. I smile and nod my head, silently validating his need to be seen as dangerous. Deep down inside, though, there's only one thing running through my head:

Pussy.

On Hats

People treat me differently when I wear hats.

I usually can't pull off baseball hats because my giant head is shaped like a deformed crocodile egg. (And yeah, I know what a crocodile egg looks like, I used to go to zoo camp during the summers as a kid. Bitches.)

But I discovered last year that if I tilt the hat to the side just a smidge, I can pull off a frat boy look. Douchey, but socially acceptable.

Anyways, I spent all last week in Austin checking out UT Law, and in Denton, where I bought a white hat from my alma mater, Hellhole State University. I've taken a liking to it, and especially since getting a shitty, asymmetrical buzzcut, I've been wearing it pretty often.

This weekend I wore it while I was out on a food run with Malena. She even commented on how it looked "hip hop." The cashier girls at Corner Bakery refused to make eye contact, assumedly becuase I was too thug. So as we're going down Zaragosa and we pull up to the corner, this guy taking donations for one of the local Black Baptist churches spots me. With my white baseball cap. Tilted. He points and smiles. I know I'm doomed.

"BIG BALLA!!!" he yells out as he walks towards the car. "Damn you so balla you got yo woman driving you around in the car!"

"Of course," I reply. "That's how you gotta work it."

Long story short, I gave the guy a dollar and I think Malena was mildly horrified to be referred to as my "woman." She got a kick out of "big balla" though. I think it's my new nickname.

Oh and by the way I officially left the set of Law and Order: La Raza. Next adventure -- free trip to Miami. More to come.

Channeling Alfalfa

Dear Assholes, Haters, and Miscellaneous Stains on Humanity,

I hate your stinkin' guts. You make me vomit. You're scum between my toes!

Love, El Guero