The Drama of High School Game Shows

So I stumbled on an episode of High-Q on the local PBS affiliate. For those of you outside of El Paso, High-Q is what happens when teenaged nerds get drunk on the competitive pheromones football players emit in the hallways. It’s a gladiatorial war of wits fought with buzzers, an intellectual junk-measuring contest broadcast on public television officiated by a local TV personality commandeered for duty against their will.

And for a long time, I was king.

This is the Batsignal for when you want to know what the capital of Georgia is (American Georgia: Atlanta. Russian Georgia: T'bilisi. Bitches.)

I usually try to repress the fact that I was a nerd in high school from my memory, instead choosing to dissociate and wonder why my friends from high school only hang out at coffeeshops and absolutely refuse to go out clubbing. But watching Chapin’s team rip apart Hanks’ team made me reminisce about the good ol’ days. So here’s what I have to say about the state of High-Q today:

First of all, it’s good to see consistency. The hosts still can’t pronounce half the words in the questions. Second of all, what the hell did you do to the show? The new set is nice, purple, and futuristic, I’ll give it that. But eliminating lightning rounds AND the accompanying 1980 synth soundtrack? Big mistake. Watching nerds sweat to what sounds like Flashdance is half the fun. And please, give these kids some dignity. The concept of getting extra points for ringing in early and calling it a “power ring” was floated around my senior year, but NEVER on AIR! That just perpetuates stereotypes.

NERD: (nasally) Yessss! I got a power ring! POOOOWER!! Mr. Frodo is doooooomed…

Mostly, though, these kids have NO T.V. presence! Yes, children, the only people watching KCOS at noon on a Friday besides your parents are unemployed bums like me. That doesn’t mean we don’t care. Live a little. Back in my day, I was captain of Eastwood’s team, I made up a story one episode my senior year. When the host asked how I wanted to be introduced – and I want to say the host that episode was Caribe Devine, who currently works in Phoenix and who actually did a decent job as a reader – I told her to say that I was an Abercrombie & Fitch model who had just returned from a photo shoot on the Adriatic Sea in Croatia. AND SHE WENT FOR IT. You know what I looked like in high school? THIS…

White shirt

So why did I do it? Because I was an attention whore. And why did she do it? Because she had nothing to lose! And because it’s funny! Nerds are funny, whether you want to be or not. You might as well steer into the skid and endear yourself to the five people who actually watch the show.

Some of us still remember the seedy underbelly of the high school competitive trivia circuit. Oh the epic nerd rivalries simmering since middle school! Oh the agony of defeat most foul! O the SHIT-TALKING, the politics behind objecting to questions, the intimidation tactics, the mind games, the bawdy Mad-Libs in between rounds! Give us a taste of your secret nerd world.

And congrats, Chapin. Go celebrate with a Star Wars marathon.